Sitting Shiva: What It Is and What to Expect
Sitting Shiva: What It Is and What to Expect
Shiva is the seven-day period of mourning that follows a Jewish burial, when the immediate family stays home and the community comes to them. If your family is sitting shiva, or you have been invited to visit, the customs can feel unfamiliar at a tender time. This guide explains what shiva is, what happens during the week, what to do if you are the mourner, and how to visit with warmth and respect.
What does sitting shiva mean?
Sitting shiva is the seven-day period of intense mourning in Judaism that begins right after a loved one is buried. During shiva, the immediate mourners — a spouse, parent, child or sibling of the person who died — stay at home and set aside ordinary life so they can grieve. Friends and community members visit to offer comfort, often bringing food so the family does not have to cook, and to help make up a minyan for prayers. Mourners traditionally sit on low stools or chairs, cover mirrors, wear a torn garment or ribbon, and refrain from work and everyday distractions. Visitors take their lead from the mourner: they come quietly, offer their presence more than words, and let the grieving person set the tone of the conversation. Customs vary between Orthodox, Conservative and Reform families, and some sit shiva for fewer than seven days, so it is always thoughtful to ask the family what feels right for them.
What happens during the shiva week
Shiva begins immediately after the burial and traditionally lasts seven days — the word shiva means "seven." During this time the immediate mourners stay at home and step back from work and daily errands so they can grieve fully. A few customs you may see:
- Low seating — mourners often sit on low stools or cushions as a sign of being brought low by grief.
- Covered mirrors — a reminder that mourning is not about appearance or vanity.
- A torn garment or black ribbon (keriah) — worn by close family to symbolise the tear in their lives.
- A memorial candle kept burning through the week; our guide to the memorial candle explains the tradition.
- Daily prayers — friends often gather to help form a minyan so mourners can say Kaddish at home.
If you are the one sitting shiva
Shiva is designed to take the weight off you. You are not meant to host, cook or entertain — the community comes to care for you. Let people bring meals, answer the door, and sit with you. There is no obligation to make conversation or to comfort your visitors; your only task is to grieve at your own pace.
Many families set out photographs and mementos so visitors can share memories, and keep a notebook or shared page where people write down a story about the person who died. If planning the days ahead feels overwhelming, our guides to how to deal with grief and grief support resources offer gentle, practical help for the weeks that follow.
Visiting a shiva house: what to do
A shiva call is one of the kindest things you can do, and it is simpler than it feels:
- Bring food, not flowers. A prepared meal, a fruit basket or baked goods let the family eat without cooking. Flowers are generally not part of Jewish mourning.
- Let the mourner lead. Traditionally you wait for them to speak first, and follow where they take the conversation — whether that is stories, tears or silence.
- Offer presence over advice. "I'm so sorry. I loved them too" is enough. Our guide to what to say when someone dies and to condolence messages can help if you feel unsure.
- Share a memory. Mourners often treasure hearing a specific story about their loved one that they had never heard before.
- Keep it low-key. Dress modestly, arrive without expecting to be entertained, and take your cue on when to leave.
How shiva customs vary between families
Not every family observes shiva the same way. Orthodox families may keep all seven days and every traditional custom, while Conservative and Reform families sometimes sit shiva for three days, or one, and adapt the practices to their own beliefs. Some families welcome visitors during set hours; others prefer quiet. The most respectful approach is to ask a close friend or family member what the mourners would like, rather than assuming. Whatever the form, the heart of shiva stays the same: no one who is grieving should have to be alone, and the community's job is simply to show up and hold them.
A place to gather every memory, together
During shiva, some of the most healing moments come when visitors share a story the family had never heard. A free digital memorial page gives all of those memories a lasting home. Family and friends near and far can add a photograph, a story or a few words from anywhere, so the memories shared around your living room — and by those who could not travel — are gathered in one place. It becomes something the family can return to long after the seven days end, when the visitors have gone and the quiet sets in.
It is free to create and takes about five minutes. A QR plaque is optional and comes later — the page is the heart of it.
Create a free memorial page
Keep the stories that shiva gathers
A digital memorial page is free to create — start free and gather a lifetime of photos, video and stories, then share the link so family and friends can add their own memories during shiva and beyond. For families who later want a lasting marker, an optional QR memorial plaque links the same page to a headstone or garden stone with a single scan (you will see the current price on the product page). Shiva is for the week of mourning; the page is for all the years of remembering.
Sitting shiva — FAQ
Sitting shiva is the seven-day mourning period in Judaism that begins right after a loved one is buried. The immediate family — spouse, parent, child or sibling — stays home and sets aside ordinary life to grieve, while the community visits to comfort them, brings food, and helps hold prayers. The word shiva means seven, for the seven days. Mourners often sit on low stools, cover mirrors, wear a torn garment or ribbon, and refrain from work. The purpose is to surround grieving people with care so they never have to mourn alone.
Shiva traditionally lasts seven days, beginning immediately after the burial and ending on the morning of the seventh day. Many observant families keep all seven days, while some Conservative and Reform families sit shiva for three days or one, adapting the custom to their beliefs. Certain days, such as major Jewish holidays, can shorten or interrupt shiva. Because practice varies from family to family, the kindest thing is to ask the mourners or a close relative how long they will be sitting and when visitors are welcome.
Bring food rather than flowers. A prepared meal, a platter, baked goods or a fruit basket lets the grieving family eat without having to cook or host — that is the heart of a shiva call. Kosher food is appreciated if the family keeps kosher; when unsure, ask or choose sealed, clearly labelled items. Flowers are generally not part of Jewish mourning. Beyond food, the most valued thing you can bring is your quiet presence and a willingness to listen. Many people also share a memory or write one down for the family to keep.
Keep it simple and heartfelt. Traditionally you let the mourner speak first and follow their lead, whether they want to share stories, cry or sit quietly. A gentle 'I'm so sorry for your loss' or 'I loved them too' is enough, and sharing a specific memory of the person who died is often deeply appreciated. Avoid platitudes or advice about how they should feel. Your job is to offer comfort and presence, not to fill the silence. On leaving, a traditional phrase is 'May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.'
Shiva is the first and most intense stage of Jewish mourning: seven days at home immediately after burial. Shloshim is the thirty-day period counted from the burial (shiva is included within it), during which mourners gradually return to daily life but still avoid celebrations, music and other festivities. For those mourning a parent, an additional year of more limited mourning follows, including reciting Kaddish. Together these stages ease a mourner from the rawest grief back toward everyday life in gentle, structured steps rather than all at once.
Yes. Many Jewish families who are not strictly observant still sit shiva in a way that feels meaningful to them, keeping the customs that bring comfort and setting aside those that do not. Some sit for a shorter period, welcome visitors during set hours, or focus simply on gathering loved ones to share food and memories. There is no single correct way. Shiva at its core is about not grieving alone, so any form that surrounds a mourning family with support and remembrance honours the spirit of the tradition.
Let the memories shared this week live on — free, and in one place.
Start a free memorial page so everyone who came to sit with you, and everyone who could not, can add a photo or a story and keep their memory of your loved one alive.